Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
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I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
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Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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