my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
