I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
