I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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