wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
