Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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