My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
