??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
