life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
