I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize