I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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