Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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