He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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