So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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