Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
