So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
