dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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