Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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