He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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