walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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