The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
