I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
A+ Viking dick
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
