Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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