Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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