I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
