I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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