My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize