I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
