when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
