Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
