Duck Duck Cougar?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
