you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
