shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So much rum. So many feels.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
