I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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