I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
