I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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