i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
