thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
