just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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