i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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