don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
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Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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