his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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