Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
