i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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