The maid of honor just puked.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
