i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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