atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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