This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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