i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
