Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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