I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
