I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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