matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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