I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
