I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
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You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
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She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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