god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
